Parveen Kaler

Back in high school, my group of friends used to hang out at a tennis court. We used to roll up in our mom’s minivans and just hang out. If mom’s minivan wasn’t available that day you had to roll out on your mountain bike. We never actually played tennis. We mostly just sat around and killed time.

Now that we are older and wiser, the tennis court of choice is the shallow, mastrubatory experience called Wii Tennis. Yup, I don’t get it either.

This time around there is more drinking going on. Sometimes I have myself a gin and tonic. Sometimes I drink the rye or the scotch. I prefer my rye on the rocks. And this is what usually gets me in trouble. Generally, I’ll have my second rye and call it night. Generally.

So I wake up the next morning in my underwear on my friend’s couch. And then his parents walk in. Apparently, they are in town for the long weekend.

I’m thinking this has got to be embarassing for my buddy. So, I throw on my jeans and pink t-shirt and think, “This has got to be embarassing for my buddy.”

He runs down the stairs, “Let’s get the fuck out of dodge.”

So we end up at some strip mall in Delta. Delta is a mini-suburb of Surrey and Surrey is a suburb of Vancouver. If you’re not from Vancouver, think New Jersey. It takes two bridges and a 45 minute drive if you feel like checking out the strip malls.

We’re sitting outside of a Starbucks and my friend is hacking a butt. I’m hacking him for hacking a butt.

My hacking doesn’t have the usual gusto though. I’m still fairly hungover.

We’re sitting there and this minivan parks in the handicap parking spot. And it parks there in an annoyingly, ironical way. There is a huge bumper sticker on the minivan of a yellow ribbon. This bumper sticker is gigantic. This guys is clearly compensating for the fact that he drives a minivan. It’s one of those Mercedes minivans that are marketed as SUVs. But frankly–Mercedes CL or BMW X5–they are both ugly minivans. And the fact that his minivan is a Mercedes is not helping this guy out at all. It just goes to show that he overpays for his poor life decisions.

So, this guy hops out of his minivan and saunters into the Starbucks all gung-ho and chipper.

“Do you wanna say something to this guy?”

“Nah, he drives a minivan. His life can’t get much worse.”

Plus I’m still hungover. And hungover in the worst way. The sun in my eyes is hurting my brain and I’m slumped in my seat.

Suddenly, a guy darts out of the Starbucks. He is chased by a older man in his 40s and what looks like single mother.

“Stop him! He stole my money!”

I think about it for about half a second before my hungover ass jumps out of my chair.

So there I am in my pink t-shirt and my red Pumas in the parking lot of some random stip mall chasing down a crackhead.

Not odd at all.

I rip around the corner and down the block. The thief hops a chain link fence and sprints down the alley on the other side. The old man is having trouble with the fence and the mother doesn’t even attempt to hop over it.

I scale the fence and keep chasing. We run down the alley and through a cul de sac. There are two guys standing in their driveway.

“Stop that guy!”

They just stand there and stare at me like they’ve never seen a dude in a pink t-shirt before.

“Alright. Don’t stop that guy then.”

I keep chasing the thief down a second alley. I stop talking and start commanding. I’m committed. There is no way I’m letting this guy go now and I’m catching up. I’m about 4 paces behind this guy now.

“STOP! NOW! I will chase you till the end of the fucking earth.”

The guy stops, turns around, and stares. He knows he’s not getting away.

I walk up to him, step behind him, and throw him to the ground. I put my knee into his back and realize I’m still pretty hungover.

I’m being sloppy and I don’t quite have his wrist locked up. He starts getting up and giving me some whiney bullshit about how he hasn’t been taking his medicine and hasn’t eaten in days.

By this time, the old man has caught up. I grab the thief and throw him against the chain link fence. The two of us grab him and hold him until the police show up.

I’d like to think that I will never lose my spunk. I hope I’m never that douchebag that drives around with some holier than though bumper sticker, parks in handicap parking spots, and pays lip service to doing the right thing.